The mind of a thinker

"I constantly feel like I have to choose between making friends, getting a girlfriend or becoming an actor."

"why can't people see me for who I am, not for something I'm trying to be" 

"Is that even a word??" 

"breath in....... "

"I need to prove to people I am what I want to be" 

"breath out..........." 

When anxiety catches up to you, and you don't know where to turn, look or walk. That's when your mind starts to fuck with you, seriously I sometimes feel like a total wreck. And why does he write this on here you might think to yourself (or if you're with someone ask your friend). Or if it's you again Felix reading this, go to bed!
The truth is, this is something I should have done a long time ago. Since I'm studying the art of acting and performing, I've learnt you gotta be up-front with yourself, don't hide things. You gotta be able to let things out, be open, let your emotions out. It's okay to cry... everyone does it, even guys. Our society is fucked up! I can't cry or barely show any kind of emotions other than happiness outside of my room. Because you're not allowed, according to society, (or is it just Sweden). 
What I mean is, I want to be able to show let's say; that I'm sad sometimes without having to hide behind a mask. It's important as an actor to unblock these obstacles, to be able to portray these feelings with credibility. 

With that said, I'll let you know, that every time I go on stage, in front of the camera or upload something new on YouTube I'm afraid what people will think of me (I don't show that, because I'm a good actor and I take on that mask. But inside I'm scared to death), because at this stage of your career, everything you do is weird. What I do on YouTube is what most people would describe as weird, because I'm not famous (But you see, Michael Keaton or Ellen or Jimmy was once "not famous"). 

I've spent all day thinking if I'm ready to expose my inner comedian, or if I should play it safe, do another psycho monologue. But then I'll never evolve and become what I aim to be, A good actor. So I'm gonna take a risk here, and see what's gonna happen, I do actually enjoy playing "Charlie Watson" because he is such an up-front and honest person (very different from me). I guess that's why I'm so drawn to him - not because I'm an honest person, but because I am not.

I do NOT, want people to feel sorry for me or anything, because that's what I can't take (have people give me that look, UUGH). I just want to be able to feel what I feel (be open about it), and not have to think about what other people think of it.